#luckily march is when most leases get DEAD so

[swagging-back-to]

please wish my luck on my interviews and please wish me luck in the housing market

[nightmare-circus]

the path to heaven runs through miles of clouded hell | elise | epilogue

Elise doesn’t sleep until she’s safely in the arms of Harry Devant once more. Luckily for her, he’s as stubborn as an ox with his daddy’s money to back it up (and some of their own, of course, because it has to be good for something) and he’s been on standby with his bags packed ever since being reached by Koten. If the police of any country wanted to arrest her they were heavily dissuaded from it by a wide range of people - from the VTF, to the other members of her heist crew, to many of those who she’d met in the circus, to even some outside parties who’d seen her true self shine through in the game in their own dreams. It wasn’t worth the trouble to keep her locked up, with so many to vouch for her, and with the proof clearly evident that she’d chosen to leave that life behind when allowed to even make the choice.

Besides, she’d died. That had to count for some kind of life sentence, didn’t it?

She arrives home to her flat in London, the one her fellow dead would recognize as the wall-to-wall windowed room overlooking a cityscape. She stands there, most nights, staring out at it until her eyes go blurry and she can barely stay upright. She stares, trying to etch it into her memory, because a part of her still remembers the distress and dread she felt as the life left her and she gasped for breath, and she isn’t sure any of this is real anymore. She isn’t sure if she’ll turn around and see an empty room, a facsimile of her memory given to her as a gift or as a curse from the dreamscape. But every time she turns, two eyes as familiar to her as her own greet her, and little by little, some of her drive for life returns.

You aren’t supposed to sleep with your engagement ring on, but Elise sleeps with two. Just in case, she says. Just in case I wake up far from here, in a dream.

Eventually, she sleeps with three.

She was supposed to get married in the spring, but life had thrown a wrench in her plans before, and it doesn’t seem to want to let up. Between bureaucratic red tape (technically she was still a felon), visa issues, and the daunting task of trying to gather all of her friends from the nightmare circus together at the same time in the same place, it took a bit longer than expected. About six months, give or take, but Harry is as stubborn as an ox and Elise as stubborn as a woman being kept from her happy ending. It happens, obstructions be damned, and it’s beautiful.

(She’d always looked good in white.)

Everyone she can convince to come is there. Hoshi, Cameron, Leslie, and Avery are in the wedding party, and Tatsuya is her ring bearer. Niko dances with her and neither of them push each other off of a cliff. Yao gives her a little two finger salute as she sweeps by, laughing as Cam spins her, and Minami goes to the bar for all of ten minutes and returns to see the heist crew gathered around Daishin teaching them how to throw knives and steal keys from the party guests. Ken sits alone, eating his wings that Elise had specially provided for him, but he rolls his eyes and grins at her with a thumbs up when she pauses to squeeze his shoulder.

And when she walks down the aisle, toward a future she didn’t think she’d get to have, she hesitates and turns and looks behind her at the little pond of people who loved her. Not a sea, but enough. You don’t need a billion people to think well of you. You just need some.

–

Time marches on, whether you’re ready for it or not.

“You’re late,” Elise says dramatically as she flings open the door to greet her visitor, who simply shakes their head and starts laughing.

“Ellie, I got here twenty minutes ago! I went to go get ice!”

“And why didn’t we have ice before?”

Cameron snorts and steps past her, into the kitchen, jerking their head to gesture to the living room. “We did! Your husband used it all doing magic tricks! I’d say we could use it as a tax write-off, but it’s not even stuff we can do on stage?” They pause, thoughtful, then smile. “It made the kids laugh, though!”

Elise smiles back. It had made her laugh, too.

She’s still not used to this. To crowded rooms, love, and laughter. To having a friend to call up every night in a panic (sorry, Avery) because she has no idea what the hell she’s doing in this new situation she’s gotten herself into. To having a best friend who’s over so much they basically live at her house, something lost to her since Reese had died. To going to the store, or the beach, or the theater, without hiding her face. She isn’t used to it, but she’s getting there, and the way the people in her home turn at the sound of her voice in the kitchen and reach out for her to join them certainly helps.

One pair of arms reaching for her in particular is healing her in a way she never really knew to expect.

“Mummy’s here, Ollie,” the former thief coos as she sweeps her baby up into an embrace, beaming at him as he grabs for her cheeks and her hair and earrings. (Must be genetics.) “Happy birthday, darling.”

Elise always knew what she wanted family to be, but didn’t know what it felt like. Here and now, she knows it feels like warmth, and joy, and a filling of empty space she’d thought was endless. His father stands up, ruffling the little boy’s head of carefully combed hair and getting a scowl from his wife, though his quick kiss to her temple predictably smooths the lines on her face out easily. Their friends are all here now, too. Some of them couldn’t make it all the way to New York, but she’d lured those of them that could with the promise of an announcement. For some, it was her invitation to attend a university in the states for an art history course, and offers from several museums for a potential position when she was properly qualified. For others, the nature of the party itself was the announcement, because as mellowed out as she’d become, she’d always be that sneak who’d tricked everyone into thinking she had powers that had nothing to do with her for fun alone, and in her opinion it was much funnier to see the look on Niko’s face when he showed up and saw her with a baby than it would be to simply call him on the phone. (Of course, she’d called Hoshi at practically 3am his time the moment she knew, and he’d woken up not only Tatsuya but his entire street reacting to it.) Regardless of intention, they were gathered to celebrate life, new or otherwise. With all of them here, or scattered throughout the world, it didn’t matter - they were connected by a string of occurrences that still couldn’t be entirely explained. Something had happened to them in that dreamscape that Elise would never be able to get across in words, and how she felt about all of them was too complex for even her to understand. But it isn’t the understanding that matters. It’s the feeling. And what Elise feels is finally, finally whole.

The group of friends in her living room, new and old, laugh as the love of her life produces a dove from behind Pepper’s ear. One day, Lucy has promised to teach her son to punch, and Ichi and Leslie agree to babysit because although Oliver is extraordinary at pickpocketing for his age, he always gives things back. Her heist crew has a new lease on life, cleared of their charges by association, and given new opportunities so they don’t have to return to the underground lives they’d lived before. (And if some fancy paintings disappear from a rich douchebag’s basement every once in a while, reappearing mysteriously on the public market again, is that really so bad?) Elise sits down with them, her life unfolding before her in a way she’d given up on, having resigned herself to always being the villain, the bad guy, the young woman staring at the inside of three walls and a cage door. It’s sunny outside, and the light streaming in through the window reflects off of Oliver’s eyes, making them sparkle like liquid gold.

When you have hope, it’s almost like having magic. You can accomplish nearly just as much, and see the world just as beautifully. One day, she’ll be a museum curator, with her facility having some of the most airtight security around. One day, her grandfather will pass on, free as a bird til the end with no hard evidence to book him on but unable to ever touch her with his power again. One day she’ll reconcile with her father, and one day she’ll travel the world. One day she’ll shake the hands of all of those VTF agents who helped to save them.

And all of the days between them and beyond, she is all she ever wanted.

Elise Devant would always be Élisabeth Cahill, and there was never any changing that. But she was all of the best parts of her, and all of the happiness she never got. She was the epilogue in a story where the ending was hard fought and won.

She was, and remains, Elise Devant, until the day she dies.

[lucijade]

2019.

Never have I ever lived a year that I felt as though I needed to write about, but I guess there's a first for everything- right? On January first of 2019 I wouldn't have believed you if you told me I'd be where I am now. I was home visiting from college wishing I could tell my parents that I was too anxious to even go to my classes. But I didn’t want to let them down. They were so proud of me for going to college and ‘setting an example for my younger siblings’. So, I didn't. I continued to live that lie and I had accepted my fate. I was sleeping in my younger sisters bed because my room was non existent anymore (my siblings were betting on my old room before I even was accepted into college.) I desperately wanted someone to confide in seeing as I had no friends. And then I met Patrick. From that first swipe I knew something big was coming.

It was like an earthquake that happens before a volcano erupts, I didn't know if that was going to be the whole show or if I should stick around. And let me tell you, am I glad I stuck around. Our first date we broke into a park -the most exhilarating thing I've ever done. Patrick wanted me to see his favorite place but being the workaholic he was, he couldn't catch the park while it was open. Climbing over that fence, I had never felt more right doing something wrong. Normally my anxious self would have laughed at the idea of it but I wanted to look cool for this boy I just met who was so much cooler than me. We sat looking at the ducks as they swam around in the pond. Everytime I heard a noise I’d look all around because I was so sure cops were going to come and take us to jail because we were in a park after close, but I loved it.

The day after our first date, I had to go back to college. Patrick and I texted the entire ride, planning when we would see each other again. First week back to classes, I continued my streak of being too anxious to go to classes. This time instead of hating myself for my anxiety, I had someone to talk to. I spent all my days wishing I was with Patrick and not alone. Then, there was a Greyhound leaving my college town in an hour. I booked it.

I was terrified. Never had I ever taken a public transportation that wasn't a school bus. This feeling of adrenaline manifested in my veins as I downloaded both the Greyhound and Uber apps. I punched my cards’ information into the apps as I haphazardly packed my bag that was bursting at the seams. Greyhound ticket? Bought. Uber? Ordered. I had that same feeling of adrenaline that I had when we were breaking into the park. My moms voice echoed in my head telling me to not meet strangers online. At this moment I decided I’m not telling her, in fact I wasn't going to tell anyone. I know, I could have ended up dead and no one would have known, but I lived to see another day!

I got the notification that the Uber had arrived and I embarked on my journey. The Uber driver and I talked about how this was an unexpected trip and I explained to him how I never do things without a plan. He said to me “yanno, some of the best trips I’ve ever been on were unexpected.” The Greyhound station was scary, I was alone with a six hour ‘layover’. No one knew where I was going besides me and Patrick, I felt like I was on a secret mission. The entire Greyhound trip was not as bad as I made it up to be in my head, it was even (dare I say) pleasant. When I arrived to the town Patrick lived in, we went back to his apartment where he had my favorite things: Hot Cheetos, a green Monster energy drink, and a huge stuffed sloth. He cooked me dinner and we stayed awake all night talking. We did nothing but hang out that entire weekend. It was perfect.

That weekend was only the first of many weekends to come, I would not go to classes, talk to Patrick, then visit him on the weekends and repeat. After about a month of doing this, I decided I was going to drop out of college. I never really wanted to do college in the first place, I was always too scared to say what I wanted. I was scared of hurting other people's feelings, but I decided the debt wasn’t worth sparing someone else's feelings. A couple trips ago, Patrick had mentioned me moving in with him and I decided to take him up on his offer. I booked a one-way Greyhound and I threw my personal belongings in a bag. I decided I was going to surprise patrick. (great idea, I know) I got on the Greyhound knowing damn well I wasn't going to be back anytime soon. The whole time I texted patrick as if I were still in my dorm being miserable. Once I was off of the Greyhound, I ordered an Uber to Patrick's apartment. At this point he was catching on to my suspicious activity. I knock on his door at 9 o’clock at night. And then I just never left.

I was able to experience Patricks town through his lenses. He lived about a 30 minute drive away from where I grew up, so I had been here but I didn't know the ins and outs of the town. He showed me all these amazing food places, including this shawarma place right across the street that we admittedly ate too much of.

Eventually I had to get my horde of things from my dorm in my college town. The drive there is about four hours away from where Patrick lived. Seeing as we had no car, we were going to take a bus to my ex-college town and then U-Haul back down. We almost missed the bus there, we had to run a mile to catch the bus that was leaving in 5 minutes. We barely made the bus, and I was wheezing for a solid hour recuperating from the run. Once we arrived to my ex-college town we got Sonic, which was my guilty pleasure. After a couple corndogs and fries it was off to my old place of living. We quickly packaged all my things and took off. Before the long trek home, we stopped for gas. This is where I scraped and dented the entire side of the Uhaul, sending Patrick and I into a 40,000 dollar panic attack. Luckily, when we returned the U Haul, there were markings of previous damage in that very spot so we didn't end up with that charge. But, I was officially moved into Patricks apartment. It was now our home.

I've always been a self conscious gal when it came to my weight. I was always the heaviest set of all my friends but I always chalked it up to: my whole family was heavy set. Nevermind the bag of hot cheetos and my venti caramel frappuccino with extra caramel on the daily. Or if I was being healthy, a green Monster energy drink. (Yes the green part is important) In March of this year I decided I wasn't going to keep pitying myself, I was going to make a change. The way I looked and how awful I felt wasn’t going to change while I sat on my ass. I cut out all my sugary and snacky addictions right then and there. I started eating healthy and going to the gym. I was extremely serious and even more determined to prove myself wrong. I now occasionally allow myself some hot cheetos and even a coffee when we’re out sometimes. But I made the health decision that I never thought I’d be able to.

When summer time rolled around, I told my mom (keep in mind she thought I was in my college town this whole time) that I was going to move in with Patrick instead of moving home for the summer. She was weary but I didn’t really give her an option.I had to pretend like I was moving down here all over again, but I did it. I couldn't believe my lie has lasted and she still to this day doesn’t know that I was in this city for the first half of 2019. When August rolled around, my family was asking what my plans for the school were, seeing as I had no intention of going back to college. I told them that honestly I had no plans and that I was perfectly content with that. I have interests in many things including photography, videography, and traveling and I was determined to find something I could do in regard to one of those. Haven't gotten there yet but making progress.

This year has been the year of me making my own decisions. My whole life I’ve had long bleach blonde hair. Some time in 2017 I decided that I wanted short hair and bangs, so I told my mom this. As none of you know seeing as this is my first blog post, my mom is a hairdresser. A hairdresser who specialises in long blonde hair. While I was always thankful for getting my hair done for free (a treat some girls would die for) it wasn't fun not having the freedom with my hair that I desired. So, I bought some black box dye and booked a hairdresser appointment. Needless to say, I ended that day with a black bob with bangs. And I felt so cute and independent, not like the carbon copy my mom so wanted me to be.

Moving on with the timeline, Patricks lease was up. We didn't know if we wanted to move to Washington State or stay in this metropolitan city. We decided to stay in this town for now (leaving is a long term goal, just isn't in the cards right now). We moved to this two bedroom apartment which we desperately needed. We needed the space to go through our things and figured out what we had duplicates of and whatnot. Once that got all settled, I set my goals on minimalism, but that's a topic for another time.

I cut people out of my life that I had needed to for too long for my mental health. It was hard, but after doing it I no longer feel as though I carry the burden that was them.

I've grown into the kind of person I’ve always wanted to be this year, me 365 days ago wouldn't have believed you if you told me I was going to be where I am only a short year later. If I’ve learned one this year it is that if you want something, you need to do it. You can't wait for the opportunity to fall into your lap. You are the creator of your own future, so make it and make it sick.

-jay.